I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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