Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
