3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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