last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
3pm strippers are depressing
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
