i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
