i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just want nice things and good sex
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We smell like vodka and hangover
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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