How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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