This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
