Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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