Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
