after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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