New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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