Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
