ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just invented taco cereal.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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