my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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