just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
