I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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