Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dear god my vagina.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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