Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
