Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
