The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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