There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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