this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
