is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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