I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
