My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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