I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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