don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
