The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
