You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
