i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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