She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
