He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
