My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
