2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can text with my tongue
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
