Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
