i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
