He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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