R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
