he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
