Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
