D3 body, D1 cock
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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