The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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