I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
