Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
