He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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