did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
