just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
