We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
