The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
